These thoughts need to be written to console myself. Climbing the
8. 13. 2006 the first call shocked us about the sad
fact about my daughter - my only child: “Esther has a problem. The
Professor has operated her in May 2006 and has forgotten, to send her
the result of the diagnosis: cancer.''
The Professor feels bad and offers an operation the very next week. But my daughter refuses this operation. She finishes her juristic studies with success two months later. End of December 2006 my daughter has still enough power to walk hours with her mother, sister, my woman Mimamai and me. April 2007 my daughter tries 40 days fasting to fight her cancer. The way to this place she drives on her own, the way back it is me to drive her car.
Before this fastings my daughter has met in a speech about death a man she has chooses as her new friend and moves in his home June 2007. This day the mother of her man dies from cancer after all medical treatments have failed.
The sickness of my daughter is getting worse after the fasting. In July she has to suffer from a three and half hours operation, because the cancer tumor hinders her to pee.
In December 2007 she marries her man.They visit us in Bamberg on Mima's Christmas Market. In the year 2008 my daughter arranges with her man to buy a beautiful home of their own with garden.
She guides her man to arrange these actions for their new home with satisfying success. Friends around loose much money in the stock market, but her man buys and wins their new home with garden. Therefore my name for their new home is “House Esther”. They both move in their new home December 2008.
She loves to sit in the glass house in their garden, when the winter sun spends enough warmth. But because her lungs don’t work enough anymore, she needs more and more oxygen.
The ancient clockwork on "Esther's House"
My Mimamai comes from "Esther's House" Sunday 10.05 a.m.
The glass garden house in "Esther's House"
|Back to the week end and my life with my
woman in Munich: Saturday is a beautiful sunny day. We walk downtown
Munich through the English Garden. We celebrate “all you can eat”
Chinese Restaurant, explore shops for inspirations for Mima’s coming
Christmas Market 2009. A call from Esther's mother shocks this idyll:
“Esther wants my visit, it is urgent.”
We hurry home, pack up the car with blankets and pillows, take the high way and reach three hours later Nuremberg. My daughter suffers with every breath. There is nothing more to do but to kneel by her sickbed and let the tears roll down. She apologizes:
“I thought to die today. But this will not happen.”
“You give me great joy and happiness, to meet you. Please call me up, when you need my help. It is so good to be near to you....” is my helpless anwser.
“That feels so good,”
she replies thankfully. With tears my surrender happens to her strict order, she has always repeated:
“Nobody has to complain but me!”
This report is from 19th January. 19 years ago died Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. The mother of my daughter has changed after Bhagwan’s death to another Master: Maulana Scheikh Muhammad Nazim al-Haqqani. So my daughter listens to Islamic prayers with the friends of her mother. Sitting by her bed my silent prayers too hope for healing. Sound and language of prayers is secondary, intensity is first. This prayer is written silently.
Memorial Stone in front of "Esther's House"
|Wednesday 21. January: Again after my job hours
on Tuesday the fast high way brings me 170 Kilometers north from Munich
to Nuremberg. Again two, three hours at her sickbed, a massage of her
feet in her state between life and death. Again her man and I share a
delicious drink at night: a bottle Italian red wine. Again my tense
nerves relax a few night hours in the old house, their new home.
My child has recovered a bit in between life and death. She comments:
“It’s not yet my time to die. I have to confront myself with this.”
The tumor is growing like the belly of a pregnant woman. She is so fragile, that she can hardly move her legs on her own. She wants me to move her feet that she feels like walking. Her left foot is swollen. She drinks juice and tea only.
In their home rings the old clock on their roof every quarter of an hour. This sound or whatever wakes me up 4.30 a.m. One hour later my voyage brings me back to Munich, back to Mima, back to my work. My feeling: it is time enough to return tomorrow.
|Thursday morning 22. January: The car is packed. for the next voyage to Nuremberg. It is a beautiful day. A beautiful day to die. Five degrees below zero. The sauna bath made the body so tired to sleep a long night. Nearly 20 years behind the desktop in front of this screen give a ritual of security, health and wealth. One page for our computer magazin has to be finished, then comes one of the hard last "Good Bye" voyages to my little lady. Maybe we can still hold us in our arms and take some of our last breath together.|
Tuesday evening Esther gave me her last shopping list in
her 30 years short life: