|Thursday we cross the country from South to Northwest, all
the long way over Germany. Even after stops in Nuremberg and a night with
thermal bath in Bad Kreuznach the voyage is long.
We drove 1000 Kilometres from last week end in the Alps now to Aachen and over the border to Belgium. Mima's friends live there, friends and her buisiness partners. 150 people are coming for a big party tonight, millionairs from Chrismas Great Markets and little market women like Mimami. Six, seven women in the kitchen prepare the food for the evening event.
Around 1700 Kilometres in one week end are even in a comfortable VW Transporter on free high way too much. My stomach is too sensitive for such hard voyages.
|But Aachen, next town at the Belgium border, is worth a visit.
In Aachen I have studied for years without any success. I have worked as
Disk Jockey, I played piano in a Pizzeria. In Aachen I got married twice,
1971 and 1978. With my second wife we tried our
Cabaret Songs. All this was in vain. Meanwhile most people from this scene
30 years ago I don't know anymore. Without Mimamai I would not go to this
Big Belgium Birthday party, where we meet some of these guys from last decades. Strange
memories come up!
When I look back all these decades, it feels like a loss of opportunities, loss of friends, loss of life energy, loss of years and chances.
A deep longing inside is left. Alcohol can't satisfy this strange thurst. I drink tonight, I start drinking in the afternoon the first bottle beers and continue to drink all night long.
Meanwhile a guy, calling himself 'Psyberdude' enriches n0by group gathering, who has reported about drug experiences. In Aachen I started my first experiments with drugs. 1969 that was a radical break with the Prussian tradition and and with the working discipline of our family. One of the first drugs, only a tiny bit of Mescalin drove me crazy. I took this trip in the dark November days 1970. Nearly sleepless till February 1971 I could not understood my Kundalini experiences. Tense nerves caused a nervous break down. The result was terrible for my health and my brain: three months hospital with several electro shocks, a cruel treatment. Next to death I suffered one week in coma nearer to death then to life. And the health professionals had no right at all, to keep me in this hospital!
|20 white collar medical criminals forced me in in a very
tiny room. Continously shouting with me I finally feel forced to agree with
this terrific treatment. Body and mind were nearly destroyed, when I came
out of coma and tried to live again. I had nothing left anymore, to resist
this injustice. After this treatment I felt utterly lost
for sucess in society. Nevertheless I managed somehow, to make my life.
When my efforts in Aachen as Disk Jockey, Piano Man, Song writer and poet all have failed, I left Germany 1976 for my first India voyage. In Madras, Chennai today, I 'learned' something about 'Transcendental Meditiation'. Five years with these meditative exercises I tried to come somehow back to my senses. The birth of my daughter 1978 forced me, to start some serious work. Immediatly I was succesful to sell insurances. But I hated this job and slowly lost all my dreams about cabarett and my music. To bring my daughter up on her feet was my one and only goal. We all, father, mother and our two and half years old daughter took 'sannyas' in February 1981 in Pune, India.
From my very early childhood I felt more and more difficulties to to connect with people. Our free e-mail gathering n0by is my last effort, to keep connected somehow with someone. Even the ones, I know from personal meetings like Deva Laleela, Veet Tom, Michael Kabir or Sarah from Australia, Sw. Ramarshi or Ma Anand Anupamo have left n0by group gathering. And I guess, they left for ever. I don't think, to ask anyone to come back. They know the n0by group adress and can come - like Anupamo came again as silent member. Share, when and what you want. I isolate myself more and more and prefer a sort of 'autistic armour'. So my sensitivity feels safer.
Back to 1970: The Kundalini experiences before my terrible hospital treatment gave me a never before experienced ultimate sensitivity. I always remember and always will. But I never came again so close to myself, even I strongly remember, how it felt to be so much at home inside.
Nowadays, 36 years later, it is much easier from my feelings, experience and observations, to build up such strong Kundalini self experience. But I don't try anything anymore. I don't even try to be friendly with people, according to political or whatever expectations. There is no need, that others like me as long I can stand myself.
Ganga describes Kundalini experiences, something I remember as 'breakthrough of Kundalini'. This breakthrough is only possible, when somehow muscle and body armour is melting before.
Social conditioning builds up this muscle armour. With this shield we do not feel the pain and suffering in our upbringing and in our daily work so much anymore. The price for this shield not to feel others and myself anymore, the price is this loss of life energy, loss of joy, loss of direct connectivity with exisience.
You lose your own truth and start believing in your lies. When you believe in your own lies, you are a victim of other people lies.
|Masters like Osho are liars, who create situation, to break
up our armour. But only a living Master can push people over their armoured
borders, like Bhagwan has pushed me from 2.2.1981 in two and a half years
over my border back to me
again. With this His blessed device to break my connection September
1983 with this so called 'sannyas family' I'm more and more on my way to
myself. This way continues right now into my 'Hermit Heights'.
I see no way, to share Kundalini experiences from my February days 1971. I have not found any method, to repeat these experiences. I simply wait what happens to me and others. Patience and acceptance are my best preparations. To stand injustice and bad treatment is another way to grow. In this 'social torture' you lose your self identification with conditioning, ideology and beliefs about religion, meditation, friendship, Nirvana or Enlightenment.
What I have not experienced inside, is an ideology only like religious, enlightened or zen fairytales. You'll and I never get experienced by reading these books or stories. You or I will never get experienced by listening to 'your Master's voice'.
But people, who report from their hard and ardous voyage to their inner liberation, may support our longing with more patience to continue. My experience results in a readiness to give up all expectations and accept the unknown and even unwanted shocks. By this help you can crawl forward one step after another.
One fact I found as truth: don't even think about winning! The spiritual success is a story like a loss of opportunities, loss of friends, loss of life energy, loss of years and chances. But that I wrote already in the beginning.