<-Prem X Venu

(Benoit Duval)

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Mon Aug 11, 2003  1:15 pm

Message 737 of 744  
From:  "premxvenu" <venusync@w...> 
Date:  Mon Aug 11, 2003  1:15 pm
Subject:  Me

I'll just try to speak from my heart. You know what my experience with sannyas is. The day , my mother, left Toulouse, for PUNE, my life has been a  mixture of torture, and confusion, especially after 1981. I have since been split up in my brain between my father and my mother. One day I think this, another day I think that. I mean in my feelings, not that she would write 1 percent of what I write, nor would my father.

I realize today, that I cannot live up to a single word I say. Sannyas sucks and I am definetely not a Satsang-Seller, not that I ever wanted to be one. Spirituality as I know it, only was a torture. It's definetely not my thing. Or at least I don't seem to be managing anything that makes me happy there.Besides my brain is constantly split up. I am split up. When I forget about all this non sense, at least for me, I feel a whole lot better.

The last years I have grown, only through going through my worst fears, last year that was when I split up from my girlfriend, and got back with her, out of seeing the fact without her I don't stand a single chance in life.

Last year, december, was because of your patience, that gave me time, to see for myself, that I am only hanging to a dead torture. Only I was still holding to a certain extent, on torture. Not that I am only about torture. When I read the shit that I write, I think what's wrong with me? 

It's total non-sense. I don't believe a word I write, especially on the internet, not that my passion is not there. I expect people to read through the lines. What I want is to be part of something. I was never part of anything. Even not sannyas. I am not spitting on the many who gave me a lot of care. I mean wherever I go I am not a fully accepted member, Even though that people treat me with care. I am greateful for that. I don't blame anybody for that, I do think it's my responsibility. I do suffer from it, and it piles up in me. Don't think I fool myself, in believing that I know better than others, I just don't know how to express myself. 

I appologise to you and your wife, for the disgraceful crap I wrote about you two, and the others on your team. I never believed a word about that, it was disgraceful below the belt reaction, and I trully never ever meant it, especially to your wife, and about your face and moustache. The other things were totally nonsense but I did mean most of them (not that nazi thing), especially that collaborator thing . I feel and probably am the stupidest jurk on earth. About Amrito, the same, he treated me once, and I was immediately cured. About that Abhu Dhabi thing, I have mixed feelings. I do believe that he uses his administration to betray others, but have no proof whatsoever, and should not write things down without proof.

Once more I apologise to n0by, Erhard Thomas and his wife and his team, most of all. I am out of this shituality of mine, it completely turns me into a  fanatic, when I wouldn't do a single thing I write down. I can't believe my stupidity today. I take it to much as a game, when it's not a game at all. It least I don't know how to play it. Also you leave me no choice. What I mean by that is I cannot get away with this one, after all the attention and care you gave me, and not be the stupidest jurk on the planet. I thank you for your patience and care,
Benoit D.