My biggest fear in life was to drop sannyas. I am now sure I have completely dropped it. As I said before just to remember I am called Benoit, I seem then to completely change, and at least attempt some intelligence. I don't mean that stupid self-pitty story, that was a serious setback, and my last one. I don't want to go back to that reverse psychology again.
I was a "sannyasin" since I was five. I took it very seriously. He was God to me. Basically his talks, came to this point. War and peace, no authority from anyone. Only much later I started doubting that he was exagerating everything. His youth stories, all his stories. I was believing in reincarnation. This whole Sheila thing. He was not responsible for it. He was a Master and interfering would be some kind of manipulation. I believed it. One day he said this, the other something else.
He trained me into schyzophrenia, into not doubting him. I am talking from my perspective, having grown up around his "talks".
Most importantly of all: Do your thing, be total in War and peace. So I did it.
Conclusion.
It drove me into a complete fanatic, hypochrite, going against my natural intstincs, sm-psychology.
When I drop all that brainwashing, suddenly everything seems more clear, much more near my instincts, I feel happier, suddenly I think I can achieve something constructive in life. Suddenly I belong somewhere.
Reincarnation, non-interference, all that contradiction talk. It drives me to everything I don't want in life.
Benoit
