Hi all,
Intimate sharing at midnight:
(For those who don't know who the f*ck is IS:
http://www.isaacshapiro.de/ )
Dear Isaac,
Since smoking stopped half a year ago, there is a pattern popping
up/getting stronger/coming in the picture again. It is something mental
that is with me almost as long as I can remember.
The loud version is wistling. A modest version is doing the same without
the wistle, only the sound of the air going in and out, but still wistling
melodies. The silent version is completely without 'material' sound.
But still it is connected with the breathing process somehow. Then there
is the possibility to 'produce' a melody while holding the breath, then
there is a sense of movement but physically the movement is actually
indetectable. Have you ever tried to think for instance the letter 'a'
without any movement? I have been intrigued by this for years. And it
comes the closest as I can get to body/mind connection/split.
Paralel to what I want to point out was what happened the day smoking fell
away.
Smoking stopped almost at the moment that I became fully aware of the
following:
The felt urge to smoke again, after with willpower not having smoked for 6
hours, was incredibly strong AND not traceable in the body, so THE
FEELINGS WERE THOUGHTS. Till the moment of that discovery I had the
belief ( a conviction that turned out to be a belief), that whenever there
was a feeling/emotion, there had to be a preceding thought. What I became
aware then, was that the mind fooled me into thinking that a thought was a
feeling, so I kept looking for the thought before the feeling.
In the same way, I am becoming aware the last weeks that this 'soundless
wistle' is a almost always present foil, that in a way is in between me
and the world. (Only during this totall beauty experiences I guess there
were holes in this mental/invisible body bag).
Dramatic statement: I am wrapped in a mental silence that (thinks) to keep
me safe, and is the last barrier to being silence.
It took me some weeks to get it as clear as it is now. I wanted to put
this 'up'. The effect of this focussed getting it clear is amazing.
See you tonight.
Love,
hans
