When a writer goes into silence, what is he missing most? Word games. What a writer can do, when missing this? What most people do missing something? Isn't alcohol always a good substitute, when people miss something essential? Alcohol, money, power, attention, sex, love, drugs of new age religion?
Now the silent writer is neither drunk nor sober. Seldom when words form, they fall somehow like dreams from a world beyond reality. Words dive into mystery beyond misery.
Spring surprises after the hard Munich winter. Flowers again, bees hum in the air. The sun, when she shines, warms the body, the earth.
My old mother is lost somehow after her eye operation. She doesn't talk much any more, mostly she is silent. From her silence, it is almost impossible, to get, what she wants. It feels somehow, as if she expects in her age of 84 years, that her sister, two years younger, and her sons 57 and 56 years younger, have to read her needs from her eyes and have to fulfil them. Even if she would never admit to expect anything, she feels mostly bitter and disappointed.
My old mother seems not to be happy in her silence. Does' nt she feel at home with herself? What can I do? It's hard to talk, when all subjects seem to be pure provocation. It feels like dry dark desert, mind without words deeply burdened with sorrows. It feels like she wants conserve her memories of youth, grace and splendour till eternity. This way her body falls apart. With noblesse her wonderful world vanishes away.
What her eyes can see, I don't know. What her ears can hear, I don't know. What her mind can get, I don't know.
I only know, that her feet can't walk long distances any more.
Mima and I, we cross two third of Germany, around 600 Kilometers, to meet her again. My mother phones my brother, who lives in the same town, I should not visit her.
I phone my mother next morning, that we prepare our voyage, to visit her. She sounds quite happy, to welcome us.
We arrive after the visit of Mima's father in Bamberg, after a long sauna bath in Bad Brueckenau, after 10 hours drive - and she doesn't talk more than two, three sentences. Next day she doesn't want us, to meet a second time, because she feels so exhausted.
Even her reality, her material life facts she hides serious as her secret. The operation of her eyes, the glasses are costly, around 8.000 Euros. It seems, that she could see better before her operation. After the operation she can not read or write anymore. What new glasses will help, she doesn't know yet.
Who shall organize her affairs? Can she still shop and cook for herself? How long will last her money for her luxurious life style?
She does not want to reveal her simple facts of life. We leave her alone after a short visit on Easter Monday. Maybe my younger brother comes closer to care for her.
We explore beautiful cities and villages Warburg, Osnabrueck and Lauterbach, swim in salt and sulphur waters in Bad Rothenfelde, Bad Brueckenau, Bad Salzschlirf, walk through deep forest in the Teutoburger Wald, a recreation area of the University Town Osnabrueck.
60 years after WW2 only monuments and museum remind people on Germans warrior tradition. One famous battle nearly 2000 years ago in the Teutoburger Forest the Germans fought against Roman Emperors.
Now people fight more for fun, less for life. The high ways are crowded with truck after truck, the rolling industrial store room. Organisation, discipline and recreation are. the famous New Age Goods. Nobydick, our motor home, symbolizes the richness to move free like a gypsy.
The customers of traditional evangelic and catholic government religion leave in thousands their clubs. The income tax, to maintain churches and pay priest, is falling year by year.
Churches are for sale. restaurants, sex clubs and shopping centres take over. Where the priest stood years ago, to condemn pleasures, now the disc jockey heats up desires with songs like ''sex machine''.
Where once babies have been baptized, now a pool invites the rich new owner to relax. And where people have swallowed in Holy Sacraments the flesh and blood of Jesus Christ, now people buy pieces from pig-, cow-and sheep-corpses for the Sunday Eastern feast meal.
This way traditional German Government religions transform perfectly into religious parody. Religious heirs gather in New Age Closed Clubs, Meditation Societies, Enlightenment Entertainments and Rough Restless Resorts. Tough is not enough. Religious retarded rest as refugees under weird warders disguised in slime suckers satsang smile bullies biz.
Meanwhile the masses meet in Super Domes, to adore Lord Football or applaud fanatical Box Baby Lady Million Dollar or people float around in wellness areas to heal themselves and wash away sorrow and the stress of money grabbing energy exploitation.