When I have fucked up my life completly,
spoiled my studies and finished most of my
friendships
with my provocative behaviour
I tried LSD around the year 1971.
Afraid of scaring ghosts
I started to read early in the morning
'Buddha's teaching of the Enlightened
One'.
 After hours late in the afternoon I finished my drugged Buddha LSD studies. This was one of the rare books, that changed my life. |
 My wrotten memory has stored one of this most wonderful impressions. If this is an authentic part of Buddha's teaching or my longing only, doesn't matter. |
'Buddha went to sleep fulfilled each night,
lied on one site - and fell in peaceful sleep.'
When sleep is your best friend, what do you need
more?
But my body doesn't invite sleep as my best friend.
There is a deep fear to fall asleep,
because too many issues in my day are left unfinished.
The result: On many, too many nights my stuffed stomach complains with pain
about my covetous swallowing of salat, noodles, cheese and red wine,
all of my favorite food at night.
Decades ago my body could exhaust all energy by
furious love making to my women.
Now my body feels too tired for these exercises, the push up and down to release
tension in sexual healing.
Now in my age of 60 years thoughts start hunting
each other, thoughts and sorrows.
Restless my body turns from one side to another.
This mood of sleeplessness is felt unfinished like my life.
It's hard to confess, what foolish life my polluted mind,
my stiff lips and hips, this upper class education,
my poisonous German military conditioning have created!
It's much easier and it's the usual mind game to
advertise glory and success.
Worst self advertisers like Napoleon, Mao, Stalin, Hitler
end their life in a dead end road.
Ordinary people are not so much different!
The road to hell ends in suffering.
An unconscious life creates fearful nights
and an awful death, I guess.
My confessions like most words are at the most
helpful
maybe to get clearer myself.
The motto must be:
'Live clean, let your work be seen',
that's the only solution for more peaceful nights, I guess.
Dirty days create sorrowful sleep.
Getting older it becomes more and more difficult to
live in and with the body.
The body resists to sit for hours,
the body resists to walk for hours,
the body resists hours of efforts.
The body wants to rest and doesn't know how.
Meanwhile mind moves in circles.
The calculation of all summed up failures
doesn't come to an end anymore.
So mind activity hurts similar
like bodily moves.
Time is running out and chances
to change are lost.