41. Addendum: Composition to the situation of 10'85

For my daughter Shanti Pujan

At the 21. October is it one year ago that I was allowed to hand over my Mala on the Rajneeshpuram-Ranch. As far I remember, it was a Ma Anand Su, to whom I had to sign for giving my Mala back. I does not know exactly anymore, because I forget mostly everything. What I brought in experience about that recent time, it would have been  more shameful to keep the Mala in the  "Rajneeshesh-Ranch-Mechanism "!

Swami Ramateertha has send me back to the ranch after the summer-festival 1984. Because Ma Anand Sheela had ordered, to close down our little Aachener Premda Ashram, that I have helped to build up and to dissolve again  until July 1984  with my wife Ma Anand Saroja and our  daughter Ma Shanti Pujan. That was the way, how Ma Anand Sheela organized a better Sannyas-Performance.

Although I had found as an exhausting, difficult human being in the Aachener Ashram my place, sometimes not only unhappy but angry too! For example, the Center-Leader Sw. Dhyan Senshi's brought the message from a Cologne-Center-Leader-Meeting back, that the debt of the Ashramites had to be balanced by the credit of the other ones. Later I felt lucky again, because the dear Sw. Dhyan Senshi had picked up the Message from Cologne incorrectly. But he had tried his best!

Ma Veetmaya, Indian Professors Daughter from the German town Marburg,  my friend 1984

Since I had now exhausted myself to care with joy for the welfare of my hobbling daughter, my laughing zest of life over seven years.  I  had sacrificed my health,  that Shanti Pujan learned to run. A spontaneously suffered lung-rip March 1983 had influenced my health strongly.  So, as reward on the summer-festival Rajneeshpuram 1984, after my child and her mother had found their protected place in the Ashram I went for my own freedom: I allowed myself the friendship with a young Indian, Ma Veetmayas, a professors daughter from the German town Marburg. She was raised up from a Brahmans family from Hyderabad. Finally I dared, to recover from my exhausting years of marriage and child-caring. Only there, in the Cologne Wioska Ashram, I would better not have shown up with my new friend Ma Veetmaya! Because the Aachener Premda Ashram already had send me in advance, before the others moved over to Cologne. My wife was not much amused about my new love. The Premda Center-Leader had mentioned already, not to give any bad reputation for the Premda-Ashram. But I had to take my freedom for a shortly visit to my festival-friend Ma Veetmaya. This woman wanted also to ask after a mostly happy fulfilled night to move in the Wioska Ashram. And then even still with her daughter! She should ask her question many times again in vain, she had declared me later.

Clearly, these extra-marital, extra-commune joy-jumps may be not conducivly for a well orientated high-performance-business.  Where remains the epidemic-hygiene and morale? Anyway, Swami Ramateertha - as partnership-mediator or what else? mentioned, that I could move together with that woman.  However, I refused his proposal strictly. First, I managed more or less to recover from a seven-year old cohabitation with my wife. Second, I only wanted, to move into the commune. There the things move on now - two step forwards, three steps back. So I tell you my story to your gracious conversation and not only for this. The other expectation behind, that my red family please takes back the contravened " black sheep ". Or are these people afraid of the "bad, bad wolf" or the "black man"? Because as Bhagwans friend simply the commune is my family, if not that one, then an other one. Or at least the commune people on Earth. Fine. Sw. Ramateertha therefore thought that I first shall spend three months on the ranch. That was his device. Politily he asks, whether he should immediately bring me to the airport. A Ma Swarga at his side agreed with him on his question with her explanation, that she could hardly breath in my proximity. Probably true. Air of the heights - or air down out the cave?

Swami Ramateertha, Picture of his  picture from  OshoUta-Center Cologne 2002

I refused gracely the quick lift to the Airport because first I had to sell all the rest, whaz I had not yet sold to build up the Premda-Ashram. I needed a lot of money to go for three months to the Ranch Rajneeshpuram.

From the start of August, I flew to Rajneeshpuram then again from where I had taken off a week before. A week before I had in my mind the promise, to move into the Wioska-Ashram in Cologne.

However for this intent something probably must change! But what?

Rajneesh spiritual Therapists Chancellor: Swami Satya Verdant, Ph.D. ,M.M.,D.Litt.M. Acharya Vice Chancellor: Sw. Prem Siddha, M.D., M.M. D. Litt. M., Achary, Registrar: Swami Satya Bodhidharma.... Siddha

On the ranch, I tried as RIMU-Participant (Rajneesh International meditation University) to find myself deeper in meditation. I meditated all day long under the supervision of the dear Ma Yoya Mukta, Acharya, what ever that means.  Or under the guidance of Ma Prem Pradeepa, Siddha, Dip. A. D.M.M. what is that already again? I danced in the evening. I wrote at night frequently to the Wioska-Ashram,  where my daughter and woman lived. I usually did five daily meditations on the ranch over the long time period of two and a half months. I did imagine myself, however to have started my journey inside. I did have tried hardly with all my attempts to get " ready " for the Ashram. Sw. Ramateertha had attested my lack for this commune. He probably must be correct. In celebration special programs I  survived some groups, what would be a strange, more insignificant history for itself. When I ordered finally on the ranch my return flight, my arrival date in Amsterdam would have been on the 11.11. 84. My wife wrote, that she would pick me up there. Exactly that day I had to give my Mala back to this woman Ma Anand Su or which Ma ever. I still dared to argue, that I got the Mala from an Enlightened One. So I could only return therefore my Mala to an Enlightened One. Than I was told, that my Mala would be taken from me with force, what elicited the commentary from my motionless permanent body:

"This is violence,
I bow down to violence."

"No, no, we are not violent",
what thanks to Ma Anand Sheela & Co has been proved well.

Five Swamis and two Ma gathered around my body permanent quietly, somebody withdraws my Mala behind my back.
I still had the hope, that their smiling lovingly words to store my Mala well for me, would have been no lie!

The day continued even more with surprise, because then they pushed me rather roughly into a gray taxi, to drive me to the housing transports and some people helped me, to pack my luggage for me with me. Within a half hour, I was shipped to the Krishnamurti Lake, where a busload of homeless people shared the same  fate  with me and had to check out. The Rajneeshees paid the Negros and Vietnam-Veterans, that hoped to spend a warm winter, to build roads and to arrange  stone-walls. These jobs would have been even too heavy probably for Sannyas Ma. Maybe these guys was suspicious however, that I could have been a spy. They carefully examined my person like my luggage until under the underpants. I was allowed to keep my stomach - and intestine-content for me.

Ma Prem Amiyo, M. Sc. ,M.M.,Phil.M., Acharya Sw. Prem Anubuddha,M.M.,D.M.  Sidha Sw. Anand  Ashika, D.N. ,M.M.D.PHIL.M., Arihanta

These examinations like the arrival of  more "street people" (homeless), a full freight  for the  "Thomas" Bus (manufacturers of that vehicle) delayed considerably the departure. The sannyasins still gave pacification-tea. The chemical analysis of that brew would documented today the situation much better. And we got some bread too.

At night, around  2.00 o'clock, the sannyasins loaded the street people in the Portand Red-Light-District near the shelter of  the salvatory army. They throw me out in front of  a noble-hotel, 100 Dollars a night.

MA DEVA GAMBHIRA, B.A.M.M.D.M., ARIHANTA Sw. Prem Kabir, M.A.M.M.D.Phi.M., Siddha Sw. VEET KAMAAL, M.M. D. Phil. M. ACHARYA

A sensitive Swami from the escort and watchman cried, I sang to the cassette for our the solace: " In deep, deep love we go, we go, Bhagwan ". After the effect of the pacification-tea has passed by, I had lost my smile however once again. So I was not surprised to receive no place with my anger in the Portlands Hotel Rajneesh. Since I had prefered to share my food with the street people, who brought big publicity to the Rajneeshes,  since I had danced with these homeless guys in Hassid and in Omar Kayan, I still rented myself a Portland flat for two weeks. Even the ordinary people got used despite all great aggressions to a strange guy in red clothes - like me.

In those times there has been sold a record successfully : " Ma Anand Sheela, shut up, Sheela," the B-Side of this record had the title-song: " Rajneesh danger field ". From the press, radio, media, newspapers I got some news about the life on the Rajneeshpuram-Ranch, also I was allowed to buy the Rajneesh " Prawda ". The incipiently started new lectures-videos were however only for insiders. For me therefore strictly forbidden.

Ma Deva Magno, B.A. ,M.M.D.PHIL.M., Arihanta Ma Prem Maitri, M.ED. ,M.M.,D.M., Acharya

Ma Yoga Mukta, M.M., D. Phil. M., Acharya, Sw. Yoga Nishant, M.A. ,M.M.,  Arihanta

These times at Portland became insipidly, so I  moved over to one month of vacation to Mexico. Exactly on Bhagwans Birthday Festival Celebration I returned back to the Ranch. And I was even allowed to go there! My 320 Dollars was accepted. My first question to the people working in the Devateerth-Mall, the management office of the ranch: "where is my Mala? Why? Why? Why?"

The sannyasins told to me, that I was "grounded", what I had really never been - not even during my coziest, loviest nights. Then these sannyasins told me, that I had daily report to Ma Anand Puja. This was my last chance at all to to remain on the ranch! And that I have to leave forever, when there would be given the smallest complain about my behaviour. I could not figure these words out exactly, but what to do? And from the Cologne Wioska-Ashram shortly before  love-letters had arrived from my child and my wife Ma Anand Saroja!

Ma Prem Pradeepa, DIP.A.D. ,M.M., Siddha Sw. Prem Prasad, M.A. ,D.Litt. M., Arihanta

Ma Prem Purna, B.A., M.M., Arihanta Sw. Anand Rajen, B.SC., M.M., D.Litt. M., Acharya

So, I renounced my mostly loved meditations, and started to work under the supervision of a loyal, orthodox, streight-strong  Ma. I had to turn the ways around the Rajneesh Mandir Hall. These time the Disco was closed completly. So I had to sleep early in the evening in my efforts to remain grounded. Whatever that should mean. To my name Erhard, that I had altered to get rid off the German " hard " in the summer-festival ' 84, I did not want to go back. So I used my last name THOMAS. These sannyasins had forbidden, to use my Sannyas name "Anand Sudesh" already at the Mirdad Reception. So I want to be called by my last name Thomas hereby because I remain incompetent for Sannyas.

The letters to my wife and the mother of my daughter had also cooled down under these circumstances. I was happy, that my hobbling girl was allowed to remain in the Cologne Ashram, where else should she go?  I totally agreed with her mother. So I checked out for some time from my two beloveds at home. After this sort of quite agonizingly spent December festival " free is the song, free is the dance ", but the next Disco was a public place in Portlands, I tried Portland again for two weeks. Then I moved for approximately three months to Seattle.

Sw. Anand Santosh, M.A. ,M.M., D.Litt. M., Siddha Sw. Deva  Satyarthi, M.M., Arihanta

Ma Yoga Sudha, M.M. ,D.PHIL.M., Arihanta Sw. Ananda Teertha, B.Sc. ,M.M.,D.Litt.M. Acharya

Frequently, I drove over from there to the ranch Rajneeshpuram. Their local book keeping reports my visits better than my alcohol-tarnished memory is able to remember. With later visits according to my memory again the Disco has opened . After the "Enlightment"-Festival ' 85, 21. March, I went directly to the airport Portland, Boston, London, to visit my beloved little daughter Ma Shanti Pujan. She had landed in Medina (England) meanwhile. Her mother, my wife,  had still informed me in Seattle. Medina was a Rajneesh Commune school.

When I came back first to Aachen after eight months of Odyssey to my parents-in-law  "accidental" my wife was on that day on her first Ashram holiday parents visitor day. Albeit from Ashram epidemic-hygienic - & - what - ever women - night - powerful  reasons I did not get a warm, fulfilled, happy night with my wife.

Ma Prem Turiya, M.M. D. Phil. M., Siddha Ma Prem  Vasumati, B.A. ,M.M.,D.Phil. M., Acharya

My PA (personal-identification card) deports at the 1. April 1885 a new home in Cologne. I enjoyed a spring with all instincts and raptures, that blow away with the autumn leaves in the wind. With most outer thrift I brought together the 3 1/2 thousands Deutsch Mark, to go to the summer-festival ' 85 to Rajneeshpuram. But Sw. Ramateertha spared me, to waste my money with an extended top of his tongue. Up to this meeting I had hardly greeted him. Now I heard his device: " You ary not ready for the energy,"

Ma Anand Vedana, M.M., Siddha Ma Deva Waduda, M.A., M.M., Siddha

Sw. Ramateertha 1985

He probably must have felt right. Sw. Dhyan Dipoh, who remained humbly almost egoless listening in the background of the key-holder huge master. First I felt some water coming to my eyes, but watching the scene, I started to smile. Now Sw. Ramateertha jumped up angrly and shouted: " Give HIM his money bakes "!, So what? "We celebrate everything ", I hurried as rare guest into the restaurant "Zorba the Buddha" to slurp some champagne and by chance: as neighbors at the next table Sw. Ramateertha sat with Sw. Dhyan Dipoh. So the waitress smiled at me: "champagne alone doesn't go here, must be drunk next door!" So I ordered: "Bring me the card!"  However I have been not forced to buy their expencive food, slurped my champagne, paid and left smiling.

I should hear this strange " HIM " in Medina in other conversations with the the Ma-in-Charge again later: " I don't want to be close to HIM ". Did this point to the vocabulary of the subhuman - or the monster - like we had described in our politically 1968-movement? And then the scene was suddenly swept empty! Summer-festival ' 85.

Ma Prem Anuradha, Ma Prem Hasya, Ma Prem Arup

I got an ancient car of my dear Aachener Ashram friend Sw. For Shanti Nirala, this incomparable peace, an exhausting car with clanking mechanism.  I went spontaneously on my way, was this still allowed? to that Medina-Commune-Scholl. At a Gay-Demonstration in London I met an owner of the ancient Oval-Mala. He brought back that town Herringswell near Medina to my memory. So I continued my way full of happy expectations and imaginations, to be able to press my most beloved daughter with her big, round eyes near to my heart. My daughter with my seldom rare  kind of blood. Maybe, I fantasied, to hug even her Mama, my Ex-wife? But these sannyasnins managed it to send me away, without even allowing me to see my child. They told me: "It has been the policies of the house, that telephonical approach has to be made two week in advance." 

Sw. Devaraj, Sw. Ananda Teertha, Sw. Dhyan John

The lawyers have written in court and documented in the divorce civil-code legally, that I can see my daughter. However I do not want to cause difficulties with the authorities. Therefore I lie to  the youth welfare office,  that the visit-regulation works regulary. Once again I needed to drink my tears and alcohol. Totally pissed I dared to write a letter to our beloved Mister and Master, who calles himself  "friend" now, friend Osho. And again I could collect one more of Sheelas answers. This too will pass. Back in Cologne  the most loved Bhagwan-Videos start again. On the very first evening, just before  the first video starts:

Ma Anand Sheela caresses her husband Swami Dhyan Dipoh, Aids-deceased ' 91,

Sw. Dhyan Dipoh moves towards me. I took "incidentally" in Poona Sannyas with him. He comes: " You have heard however what Ramateertha has said." " Yes, surely". " Yes and what now? We don't want you here any longer!" "He has not said  that or you must have heard something else than as I "! " Well, then you hear it right now!" " But Dipoh, for what reason at all?" Therefore once again with my tears, anger, alcohol I tried to feel myself, "keep smiling, celebrate everything, nothing fails like success, if you succeed good, if not even better ". Ma Anand Sheela, Ma Anand Su, Ma Anana Puja, Sw. Dhyan Dipoh gone by now, isn't it?

Swami Shunyo, new incumbents, after the autumn-bankruptcy 1985

Why therefore not once a trial again: " Beloved Bhagwan, am I again acceptable as your sannyasin now and can I get my mala back, I had to give to the ranch on Sunday, 21th october, 1984 "? One devout answer more, this time from a Ma Prem President: " ...However, now is not the time for at new mala..." her infallible female feeling adjudicates once again rightly, she had already picked up from my heathenly letter. Before I smile again,  I have to apologize: one time angry again! Sannyasin, who strives to poison Bhagwan, who rob the commune - according to the reports in the Media - all is O.K.. However if somebody, who feels, senses, tracks, thinks, considers, NO community does need such a guy!  The new regime gives up a formula: " thank you for your letter ". The word "love" remains, descended to other four-letter-words.

Cologne, Sectarian-Central of the Bishop Swami Ramateertha

After Birthday Celebration Festival Darshan December ' 84 I have said I to a Swami, belonging to the Ashram

"Watch out!"

I liked this guy. His name was Sw "East-West", I liked his eyes open like a tiger-eyes.  I like him so much, because he dared to play American Football with the Street People, when these poor guys was not more accepted any longer. My two words:
" Watch out ".
There he looked around like a terrified child, and because he saw neither telephon-bugs neither poison-ampoules, he latched himself again in his sounding round dance.
The fascism was clear to me on the Rajneeshpuram-Ranch. And all these branches oriented after Rajneeshpuram were involved in the same fascism. It has already clear to me with maybe the one to three people out of thousands. These times 99,99  percent still adored Ma Andand Sheela. Surely she or someone very alike will celebrate a Come-Back. My letters from the Ranch have been prove enough for me. 

I did never got back any other response from my wife than the papers of the divorce-court.

Of course this kind of my understanding is paid with strange, incomprehensible behaviors. I have been like this as long I have I remembered myself.

Another price paid is my wanted isolation. I rather want to live with my truth, I prefer much more to live with my truth than with the lies of the ones, even if  I love them!

If my feelings and mind can not be brought into line from the untiring, extravagant sermons of the big old man Bhagwan, I rather remain the inebriated Judas than to belong to a group of smiling, hunchbacked marionettes, who are allowed to line up for HIS Drive By for example.

The best one, I still have found:  Sw. Satyananda! He had felt  the process. I remember exactly th sweep of his hand and the expression on his face, when we spoke together about Ma Anand Sheela. However I only knew  few people from there like from here. It is already too much, they know me! It is recommended in all kind of "communities", to stay alone!

Dear Sw. Satyananda, I am happy that you are allowed to write again in the Rajneesh Times again. How long this time, until the "Rajneesh Prawda" starts again with propaganda?

I am inconsolable about my defenselessness! I have never learned to fight back with my thin skin. My talks only come across numb ears. However with my  stupid, long German sentences at the best  I can generate a few feelings of consternation and pensiveness. 

"Nothing new in the West", has been a German story after the War.

I know that all comparisons fail in a Mystery School. Even when I try to follow all 30.000 rules, the Buddhist made up after His death! I will fail..

Shanti, my daughter,  a half minute I have been allowed to see a miraclous picture once, you have painted. Your picture:
A heart, in which you have written with your first letters "Sudesh ". A heart stands completely on Earth on the top without balance. Into the earth, you have painted "Saroja ", the name of your mother.

I can no longer be with you, not with the others sannyasins. Not under these circumstances, I tried to describe. Better to be kept outside!  Outside all doors. Even if I know, you stand behind them, stay there sheltered.. I hope once again,

I think that the commune can not need any witness, that feels truth and want to live truth too.

I have felt right one year ago that this Sheela-Regime does not want any witnesses for all those repressions.
.
The wonderful thing with Bhagwan is,  that even women are allowed to play faschism there once. And it remains wonderful.

It sticks a bad end with it, my dear daughter child, it is however no fairy-tale, unfortunately only the truth.

It is no end at all.

Even with Bhagwan hope remains, admittedly not as principle however then as exception. Because only this has been taught to me: the laughters of the ordinary things around. 
.
Your dear, lovingly Erhard-Sudesh, that is now called Thomas, who wishes you a kind of Bhagwan-Papa, at least one of those, that believes in this guy.

All love comes once to an end, will be finshed. That has proved Bhagwans love to me.

I'll be on your side, when ever you need me.

28.Oktober1985

42. Letters from the Ranch and from Ramateertha, the Bishop to Cologne,